Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
your best friend always stickin' up for you
even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no...five hour phone conversation
the best soy latte you ever had...and me?
This is one of the phases I dread getting into. Before you read any further, be warned that this post is being written in an unusually blue, pensive, near-maudlin mood, and is likely to blot the sunshine from your room for a couple of minutes. If you'd rather not attend a gloomfest right now, feel free to let your cursor hit the top-right corner of the screen :)
Where was I? The phase I dread getting into - allowing the past to get the better of me. I don't know if it is the weather, the smoky, wintry-smelling air, the time of the year, or just a series of badly-timed conversations and recollections - or sheer solitude. I doubt if it is this last, because, as a rule, I guard my silences and spaces rather fiercely. I'm guessing it's something about this time of the year and all that it brings. I'm homesick, and a little worried, and also direction-less in a way I do not either understand or like. I'm missing people I don't want to miss, thinking about times I'd rather not think about, talking to people I don't want to talk to about things we're all better off not discussing.
I'm not doing anything, which is very, very difficult for me to handle. I'm as fond of a carefree life as the next person, but...this is something I'm no good at. I'm thinking about relationships that never were, people I will never see again and time wasted so ridiculously, it doesn't even merit mention as wasted time. And I don't know why I am doing this. It is just not me. I'm perplexed. Perplexed doesn't even begin to cover it.
Anyway, I spent the evening lighting diyas. I've already gone into spiels on how much I love the sight of a lit diya...but it's so beautiful that it is worth a second mention :) Something in me reacts instantly, instinctively and rather passionately to a flame...I could stare and marvel at it for hours. One astrologically-inclined friend philosophised, "You're a fire sign, that's what you are. That's why you respond so naturally to a flame, that's why you find it so beautiful...". Uh, yes, trouble is, I love beaches and waterfalls and the rain...and wild horses couldn't drag me indoors when it is breezy, and I can stare at the sky for hours on end, especially early in the morning or late at night...so where does that leave us, Watson?
'Elementary'?
I'd say.
As usually happens with my writing when I can't think straight, I've gone and written everything in my head out here. Not everything, actually. Some thoughts are the sort you shy away from putting into words, because then they start appearing a lot more significant than they seemed - or, to put it honestly, a lot more significant than you'd like to admit they are.
My head is filled with a hundred thoughts, and ninety seven of those are thoughts whose magnitude or meaning I am yet to come to terms with. I will, in due course, but it's time I signed off now.
2 comments:
ya i was in one of those phases a few weeks back -only i did not blog about it :) Everything reminded me of something or some one, of bygones, of things that were never meant to be, of people I have had the best times of my life with, and yet something was missing. My favorite spot in my bedroom is by the window, albeit not very comfy, coz I have grown too big for the sill :D But I love to sit by and ponder over what I have lost, of what could have never been mine, of so many evenings, I spend doing nothing but giggling over silly jokes with my ex-flatmate, of this tree in college, that we would all sit under when ever we bunked a class. Wonder if tat tree is still there. So many trivia. Its weird how little time it takes for all these memories to come rushing back to you, and then I just sit and fantasize.
Its the weather I tell you :)
Happy diwali to you. I would like to keep in touch, so that next diwali I can turn back the pages and read this post, and feel what it might have felt like ;)
Yeah, if I ever forget what it's like to love something and have issues with it at the same time, I'll think about this time of the year as an example. I love every little bit of it, and every little bit of it makes me sad and lonely in ways I had never thought possible. As if life didn't have enough contradictions without the weather pitching in! :) Lucky you, you got out of the phase. I can see this one lasting some time...at least till my sem-end exams begin and force every other thought from my head as I begin to panic :p Happy Diwali to you, too! Have a great year ahead...and here's to many exchanged comments and similar conversations of sorts over this coming year and the ones after it, hopefully :)
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